Don’t do it. Just don’t do it to yourself today. Don’t look for him in pictures you posted months ago. Don’t recall tiny specific moments where you know he felt something for you, too. Don’t go back out and call his name, he can’t hear you. He isn’t coming back, and there’s nothing in the world you can do about it.
Sometimes we lose the ones we love without knowing why or how it even happened. I can’t tell if that’s more or less painful than knowing every last and final detail.
Sometimes we ask why and all there is is silence where reassuring voices normally would chime in. Saying “Everything happens for a reason” makes me want to punch you square in your face. What reason is there for the way of the world today? Are we supposed to evolve and change and grow and unite as a people or are we supposed to fight and argue and prove each other wrong or right or left or right? Gay or straight? Boy or girl? Zim or zer? Sin or saint? You or me?
My voice is stifled but still I speak. The words are jumbled, but still I read. This information highway is full of roadkill and fatal accidents. Those who get chewed up and spit out, run over and stomped on. Those who get too comfortable or too fake or too friendly. Those who want nothing more than to help people, but end up hurting them in the process.
Shit happens mostly because people make shit happen. But yeah, sometimes it’s beyond our control. What do we reach for then? For some it’s drugs or alcohol. Numbness. Nothingness. For others it’s making others feel even worse and more crazy than they do. And for a lucky few it’s faith. Faith in something greater, more incredible, more colossal than anything. Something that never faulters. Something that 7billion people could lean on.
I don’t like saying God. The universe is more my pace. But to me, God and the Universe are one in the same. He is in the stars in the sky and the wind in the trees. He is in the blackness of night and the warmth of the sun. He is there when you wake up and there when you close your eyes to sleep. Just there, below your eyelids he waits, to wake you with sunshine and roses, if only you’ll let him.
The love you feel for your life, family, the world. That’s him, too. He is everything and anything you’ve ever dreamed or experienced. Without him, without the universe, there’s not even nothing, because that would be something. There’s no explanation for a world without God, because a world without God does not exist.